Learn to Engage Brain!

Throughout my life the one thing which has repeatedly got me in trouble is a disturbingly bad signal strength between my brain and my mouth which can sometimes lead to idiotic things coming out of it. I also seem to be particularly skilled at tossing weapons to people who have a penchant for pistol whipping. Sometimes it really does feel like painting me as a cartoon villain is an official sport but more often than not it is my own fault for starting the ball rolling.

I genuinely am intrigued by people's behaviour (probably should have gone into psychology) and fascinated by the differences in the way people respond to different things. Unfortunately some people are so incredibly defensive that my unconsidered and uncensored musings on these differences provoke all kinds of unexpected outbursts - and I also find that intriguing - except for when it turns into another round of being attacked, seemingly for gratification.

What I really need to remember is that family ties are not necessarily a filter or protection from receiving a mental/emotional battering. And I should know better really after many years of taking them from certain people, in fact rather than being some kind of prevention I actually think the 'family' tie is an inflammatory aspect sometimes and leads people to believe that they can get away with stuff because you are 'family'.

I have never ever claimed (and never would) that my actual family are saints, they clearly are not. I will take criticism of them on the chin when I know it is true and within reason, equally I think I manage pretty well not to twist flippant comments into reasons to kick off - but then I have grown up in an environment where people say what they think, share things pretty openly (for better or worse) and where there is a high level of well intended banter and teasing. Being free and easy with opinions was not just a right in my family, it was a rite of passage.

I am also very relaxed and will even join in with what could be construed as really quite offensive mockery of certain elements of my extended family because I can appreciate the grains of truth within it. I am not precious about this kind of thing because that's just not really me. I dislike confrontation and will 99.9% of the time avoid it if at all possible. Life really is too short. 

There is an element of irony here that sometimes the very person who is most vocal about the 'loopers' I happen to be related to is the most incredibly easy to inflame into baffling rage over (what to me seem) trifling comments about their own relatives. A healthy dose of context can be dismissed at the drop of a hat and in the cold light of day the actual original incriminating element can even seem humorous when compared to the level of rage it subsequently provoked.

I suspect that the reasons for turning something and nothing (or an ill thought out and unintentionally idiotic statement) into a hate crime of herculean proportion which no amount of apologizing can atone for, is something altogether less obvious and stems from deep seated issues elsewhere. I do make myself a very easy target and this is something I probably need to work on to avoid such terribly bewildering situations in the future.

The thing with 'family' in all its connotations is that the old adage of always hurting the ones we love most is very true; as human beings we have an amazing ability to forgive as well and this is very important. People are different, people lash out and people can be idiots - all of this is true. It is very rare however to find somebody who intentionally sets out to cause distress - I may be an idiot and say very stupid things sometimes but I am not a bad person and the last thing I would ever want is to upset someone I love.

Yesterday was a very trying day and I made a bad situation worse by losing patience (after an hour of being quite calm and tolerant) and then losing my rag. Keep cornering and beating any animal with a stick and eventually they will attack - but I know I made the situation worse by doing so. Lesson learned though, next time just walk away instead of letting it push my buttons. It was absolutely my fault in the first place but sometimes you have to know when to give up with trying to explain and apologize because it is never going to be enough unless the person you are apologizing to wants it to be.

I really feel like I learnt a sharp lesson yesterday and in the hours last night after the event; some battles you will never win, especially when you provided the ammunition. Sometimes it is so much better to just take a leaf out of someone else's book and hold it all in. My husband says I need to improve at 'being the bigger person' and he knows me better than anyone else in the world so I believe him. He usually speaks sense.

The next six months are going to be tough as we prepare to emigrate and I know that there will likely be difficult conversations and strained emotions all round. Moving to the other side of the world does have that effect on people and everybody will deal with it in their own way. I will miss people so very much that at times I already wonder why the hell we are doing this.

But then I remember that this adventure has always been part of our life plan and that I am incredibly lucky to have a life partner on the same page as me. Neither of us wants this more than the other and this has been very much a joint decision driven by us both. My mission and focus from this day forwards is to try and get us to March 26th 2013 as smoothly and calmly as possible. And as one very very profound friend of mine told me this morning; "Arguments are horrible but they serve a purpose: they make you appreciate the good times even more".