Please look at this series of pictures for as long as your eyes will allow you to:
That's right. It's Denise Welch getting her puppies out. Again and again and again. Is nobody else cringing at the hideous embarressment caused by these images? Is nobody else feeling empathy for her poor sons who must be experiencing the worst kind of mortification possible?
What is it with women of a certain age (and a certain mental state probably) which makes them think that whatever issues they are having, whatever social scene they are currently in, whatever the problem - the answer is always getting their baps out? It makes me want to put my head in my hands and rock like an abandoned child, confused at the world and how it works.
Frequent banger-flashing is the most often captured symptom of this kind of mindset but it is not usually seen in isolation. This is just the most media friendly kind of episode and therefore the one most frequently snapped. In my experience it is only one small sample of a number of behavioural traits commonly displayed by this kind of humanoid. Not a MILF, more like a MILI (Mother I'd Like to Incarcerate).
I speak from mortified experience. I have the misfortune to be related to a prime example of a MILI. I have gone through many different emotions regarding her throughout my life and can honestly say I was close to her as a child (before I started to be aware of the behaviour which would, in later life, lead to frustration, bafflement, anger and resentment).
You would not believe me if I told you what she does for a living (oh the irony) but needless to say she is, technically, a pretty high flying professional. I first became aware of a 'difference' with this side of my family as a child. Parties were, at best, weird and at worst like some kind of acid induced nightmare. 'Parties' are absolutely key to this group however and must include the following things (along with at least a tenuous excuse for said 'celebration'):
1) An absolute truckload of alcohol.
2) A village hall type venue.
3) A dodgy DJ.
4) A godawful buffet of the type usually seen on Iceland adverts.
Once these things are in place invites can be sent. But only to the section of family you are currently speaking to. Those not invited must be notified that they are, of course, not invited and the reasons why reiterated as a matter of course.
At said party the following things should happen otherwise the gathering cannot be legitimately considered a party:
1) Female crying by 9pm.
2) Fight being sparked by 10pm.
3) Lairy middle aged woman who should know better crawling round the dance floor, flashing knickers, getting tits out and generally making an absolute arse of herself while anyone with half a brain convulses from cringing.
4) If you are lucky some of the blokes will get naked and run around - what utter hilarity.
Having stated the above I actually feel like I can empathise with those people at AA meetings when they stand up and say 'My name is X and I am an alcoholic' except that my declaration seems to be 'My name is Ali and I must admit that I am related to these people'.
Anyway. At my wedding nearly 9 years ago, this particular MILI managed to do all of the following (for what it's worth I had tried my best not to invite her but was overruled).
1) Steal our photographer for her own set of family shots just before we were scheduled in for our photos.
2) Upset my lovely step-mum during the wedding breakfast and be so out of order that my brother had to step in and ask her to behave.
3) Get so absolutely trolleyed by about 4pm that she went missing and another relative had to go and find her.
4) Crawl through a friend of mines legs on the dancefloor for no reason whatsoever before starting with the usual, tedious, banger flashing.
And the biggest irony of all?
A few years later she married her long term partner and father of two of her kids and I, personally, was warned to be 'on my best behaviour' at the wedding for fear of revenge behaviour. There are two things wrong with that - firstly I would never have such a loss of dignity as to behave like that in public and secondly - is it not just a tad hypocritical to expect people to behave at your wedding when you are entirely incapable of behaving at theirs?
Anyway, none of this explains the MILI as a personality type. My solution to being related to one is to go absolutely out of my way to ensure that I never, ever have to cross paths with her, especially at any kind of social event. My husband finds her utterly terrifying and I can't say I blame him, he comes from a highly reserved family where this kind of behaviour is entirely unknown, he has no frame of reference for dealing with it.
It is a sad state of affairs that Denise Welch's kids have to witness this MILI behaviour not just in person but across the media. I don't dislike her as a person, I truly hope she is ok in the wake of her marriage breakdown, its just that she currently epitomises a particular type of personality, seemingly found in women of a certain age, which touches nerves for me and evokes memories I have successfully buried over the years. It is hard work being related to a MILI.
I often wonder how our MILI will age - whether she will calm down at all - but personally I cannot see that happening. Time will tell. One thing I am overly relieved about is that my mother is not a MILI at all (in fact she has been called a MILF many times over the years, much to her amusement) it really makes me thankful.
Sorry for the pictures. At least they are not of my much more scary MILI. I would not subject you to that unless you had REALLY done something to deserve it.
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