Isolation Dedication

This is not the 2020 any of us were expecting, right?

Someone gave our local statue a new look.

I think it's fair to say we have been somewhat hoodwinked by the planet at this point and that Mother Nature is schooling us on who is really in charge around here, having finally reached the end of her tether with humanity pissing all over her back yard. Who can blame her?

Anyway, it is only April and here I sit, isolated (physically), bewildered by the state of the world right now and trying to imagine what 'normal' life will look and feel like when this is all over, because it genuinely seems that we will never truly go back to how things were. We cannot. The game has changed.

We thought 2016 was a fucker of a year, when we lost Bowie, Carrie Fisher, George Michael, Alan Rickman and my wonderful father-in-law and the Brexit referendum shocked everyone and Trump was elected. All. In. The. Same. Year.

But now it seems that 2016 was a dry run for something much, much worse. Who knew?!

Watching any news channel at the moment is an ordeal. None of the news about this disease (I shan't say it's name because I think we have all heard it at least a million times too many by now and it might behave like Voldemort and draw strength from it) is easy to digest. It is terrifying, significant, weighty and simultaneously gripping because none of us alive right now have seen or experienced anything like it. This is a life defining moment for all of us, and those that survive it will never, ever forget what it did to us and how it changed our lives.

My heart goes out to people who have lost someone, or more than one person, to this virus. Especially because at the moment that will often mean having lost a loved one without having been with them when they slipped away. Grieving in isolation, tormented by the ravaging hideousness of that raw emotion without any standard support mechanisms, without human touch and comfort, without the process of closure defined by a funeral and a wake - at least not one like we are accustomed to.

I reflect on losing Nana last year and how much harder that would have been if I was unable to get on a plane and head back to the UK and physically be with my family, to be comforted in their presence and hold them close and celebrate her life together. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through, and I never thought, less than a year later I would be feeling gratitude and relief that it happened last year and not this year because of the different and highly distressing experience it would have been. 

I feel guilty for this gratitude and relief. We are, of course, programmed to feel guilty when we don't have it as hard as others. Unless you are a sociopath of course.  But I note, on social media, where everyone is living their "social" lives right now, there is even more anger and angst and vitriol than usual, and tragedy everywhere, and fear. And I, personally, just want some of the screens I am limited to interacting with (instead of people) right now to not be full of negativity, but to be radiating hope and finding silver linings, and celebrating how people are supporting each other. 

So, I have had a cull and blocked or unfollowed a lot of people. They were probably people I should have removed a long time ago (some mood hoovers for sure), but in some respects, this crisis is making decisions easier than they ever have been before, in the name of self preservation.

I have been working from home for around 3 weeks solidly at this point and my god I miss my team, our beautiful campus, I miss walking between meetings, I miss being able to wander into town at lunchtime, I miss the general freedom that we have when things are ok and there isn't a bloody pandemic raging. There are things I never knew I took for granted (all the things listed above for a start) and which I will try earnestly to not take for granted ever again.

For me, I realise how incredibly privileged I have been in my career, especially over the last 4 years with University of Adelaide, where I have had many opportunities to connect with global partners and visit them and work with them, some of them (mainly in the USA) multiple times. I should have been preparing right now for a visit to UC Davis in Sacramento. Just saying those words seems like an insane notion at the moment. This is problematic for me, because I know, logically, that it is going to take a long time for business travel and the higher education sector to recover from what is going on right now, and that means a removal of one of the main sources of joy in my role for an unspecified amount of time. 

I am so very proud of my team, who are always a source of joy and support and who continue to make me laugh on a daily basis. We have always, as it happens, engaged with each other fairly socially outside of work hours (on messenger and the like - we have had a team spotify playlist for a couple of years) so adapting to slack as the 'official' channel for this has been pretty smooth, it just feels like we talk 24/7 now because all that happens after business hours is we switch format from slack to messenger and carry on. And the banter is still there, thank god. The last month has been insane in terms of workload, but we are all coping admirably and trying to cut each other some slack (arf) when it is needed. if anything, I would say our productivity has gone up.

And I realise how many hobbies I have neglected over the years and which I am now able to dig out, resurrect and remember why I liked them in the first place. The callouses are back on my fingers from picking up the guitar, I am finding time to play PS4 (and I have awesome friends who have lent us a whole heap of games to play), I am doing zumba a few times a week as exercise (on the Wii), finding time to read and bake and cook more (though I have never stopped those things) and when I get chance there is a blanket to finish crocheting and a scarf to finish knitting. It could be so much worse. 

Who knows what the rest of this year will look like, I am trying to rationalise that nobody can know and that we just need to count our blessings and abide by the guidance to keep isolating and thank our lucky stars for science and all the people doing the incredible research to find a vaccine and keeping the front line of health care going. They will be remembered as the heroes in all this. 

If nothing else, 2020 is the year when we were all forced to stop, adjust our lifestyle, remember that humans are not omniscient and all powerful, appreciate the things we have, slow the pace and try to support one another. It is not easy or enjoyable, but we will come through this at some point and look back and remember that year when we did the impossible and defeated a virus together. Imagine the afterparty. Imagine that.

So stay safe and do the things that help your mental health right now, there really is a light at the end of this tunnel, even if we can't quite see it just yet. 

On Grief

Nana and I (aged 1) circa 1980

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of the death of my wonderful Nana. It is fair to say it has been a very strange and eye opening period of time for me and one which has taught me so much - things that I wish nobody ever had to learn - about grief.

Sure, I have lost people before. I think it would be highly unusual to reach the age of 40 without having had people in your life pass away (if you are in that position then, wow, you are lucky). I lost my Grandad when I was 16 and about to sit my GCSEs, I lost my other grandfather, who I didn’t really know, at 19. I shockingly lost a friend (he was 27) when I was in my early 20s. Other extended relations have passed through my 30s.

Then we lost my lovely father-in-law completely out of the blue 3 years ago. That was hideous and hard and we aren’t out of the woods (or anywhere near) with grieving that loss as a family (or individually) yet.

But nothing has hit me personally with anywhere near the juggernaut level of physical, mental and emotional impact that this loss has.

It has led me to dig through my (thankfully extensive) memories of her, question myself on big decisions and generally reflect on how lucky I was (we all were) to have her in our lives. People throw platitudes and cliches around in general after people die, about how nice the deceased person was, they laud them as a saint of some sort, it usually holds some grains of truth but also glosses over the flaws and imperfections that the person had. Ignores the things they did wrong, the people they angered. It’s ok, it’s one of the ways that we cope with loss. But when I say that nobody ever had a bad word or a snarky thought about my Nana I mean it.

I totally acknowledge that I can only talk about her loss and my grief from the perspective of a grandchild. Her first and eldest. Maybe I have rose tinted glasses. But I actually really need to face this, to write this, to process it. Because right now I am struggling and I need an outlet. These are my thoughts on my loss. I am sat at my kitchen island with a large mug of tea, (ironically) Funeral for a Friend on in the background (‘grieving me’ reverts to Manchester indie and emo very strongly, I have learned) and I am just going to write until something gives and I can feel some release. It might be a long read.

So, despite the vastness of the English language, I have found it hard to find suitable words to convey what my Nana was to us, her grandchildren. It’s actually not about suitability, its about worth. ‘Suitable’ words are ten a penny, but they are quite weightless, at the end of the day, and will never quite frame the importance of her to us, the extreme levels of love and warmth that she imparted, the huge amount of difference she made to our lives, especially when we were children.

For my brother and I in particular, Nana was, for many years, the person who looked after us every single day after school until one of our parents finished work. Her and Grandad’s house really was our second home, every single school holiday we spent most days with her and it wasn’t unusual for us to then stay with them over weekends too. We loved it. She used to put sugar in our tea (she wasn’t meant to - I grew out of that but it’s a legacy my brother never did) and allowed us to raid the biscuit tin (hers was ALWAYS full) freely.

I could tell you many stories about the silly tricks we played on her, the fun we had together, the fact that being sick and off school was actually a huge treat, because it meant a day at Nana’s, watching This Morning and drinking endless cups of tea. But these stories will only scratch the surface of the presence that she was in our lives, all knowing, all seeing, brimming with kindness. Ours.

I know that we (the first three grandkids - me, my brother and my cousin) were supremely fortunate to get two different and influential experiences with Nana, firstly as a continual caregiver when we were small, steady through our childhood, patient through tantrums, taking us on holiday with Grandad and then getting very little rest on what was, in fact, meant to be her break too, while we made memories and ran rings around them. She was a brilliant referee and peacemaker. She hated conflict of any kind.

Me, cousin Lianne and brother Andrew circa 1987

And then, such a valuable gift, Nana as our friend, ally and adult family member that knew us, inside out, our personalities, weaknesses, strengths and preferences, she knew it all, she loved us anyway. It was this version of Nana that I am very conscious I have lost. Someone who deeply knew me and what mattered to me, and what has made me who I am and who I could trust with absolutely anything.

I can say all of these things about my mom too - and it makes me freak out with anxiety on a whole new level when I realise (and type) that because I live 10,000 miles away from her and only get limited physical time with her (in the same way that I did with Nana over the last 6 years) I might be wasting precious time. I have very much battled with the urgent, visceral desire to be in the UK since Nana passed (I did manage to get back for 10 days for the funeral) and it is this angle on it all, the physical distance, that causes that. Knowing she was proud of me and the life I have carved out here, on the other side of the planet, doesn’t make me feel any easier about the distance right now. It is also really, really, hard being this far from my mom in her grief.

The last few times that I did physically see her, on trips back to the UK, Nana and I had some very pragmatic conversations about what would happen when she passed. She didn’t want me to ‘waste’ money coming back for her funeral, I told her (quite truthfully, and accurately, as it turns out) that there was no way I would be able to grieve if I didn’t. She still sought to reassure me that it was ok if I couldn’t for whatever reason. I am so glad we had those conversations, although at the time it was really hard and on the two occasions I specifically recall this happening I also remember that the goodbyes that followed were absolutely heartbreaking because we both knew that there was a chance it would be the last time. On the second occasion we were right.

If I can advise anyone of anything relating to future grief it would be to talk about it in this way - as hard as that was at the time it has provided a highly comforting safety blanket in the aftermath and although I will always feel like I had so much more I wanted to say, to ask her, to consult with her on, I at least know we had stared this in the face together and acknowledged it so that I knew her thoughts and we had a chance to eyeball that fear and know where we both stood on it.

At an outdoor production of Twelfth Night circa 2008

The other thing that has helped me and been a source of good comfort is a podcast that was recommended to me called The Griefcast. I have learned so much about the wide variety of reactions, approaches and impacts of grief from this and it really does make you realise that you are not alone. I have literally had this podcast on in the car nearly every day as I drive to and from work. Far from being upsetting it is a reassuring voice that has, on some days, enabled me to see the bigger (more terrifying) picture that we will all die and that the very human process of death, dying and grief should get more airtime and be less of a taboo subject.

The thing that I never anticipated about this kind of grief is that it can affect you physically. I have slept more since Nana died than I usually do, like a LOT more (and I am already, normally, an excellent sleeper and napper). I feel supremely exhausted all the time, like I never have before. I ache in places I have never ached - some of this is a physiological reaction to stress and anxiety which is affecting my posture and making me clench without realising it. My jaw is perpetually tensed and my teeth ache from grinding. Regular massage and exercise is helping a little with this side of things but I never expected it.

The anxiety and stress are partly driven by other things in my life, like work, where I hold down a fairly high pressured and fast paced job. The difference is that usually I am pretty resilient and able to cope with all of that - but at the moment I feel like I am missing a layer of skin or something, I am exposed and vulnerable and I don’t have the layer of enthusiasm and tenacity that I usually rely on to get me through. Small things, that wouldn’t normally bother me at all, have suddenly become overwhelmingly derailing, upsetting and unmanageable. That feeling is hideous.

A friend and colleague signposted me to this description of grief that seems to nail the whole process very well. The waves are still coming fairly thick and fast at the moment for me, but I can see and take some comfort in the knowledge that while they will still come in the future, I will get to a place where they come less often and are possibly smaller in intensity.

You really do figure out who your people are in this kind of situation and for me that has been something heartwarming to understand. Those that know me well (like she did) will know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve anyway - it is not hard to tell what mood I am in at the best of times. At the moment the people I spend most of my time with, my family, my team at work, my wider colleagues, are all handling this weirdly fragile version of me with a huge amount of tenderness, consideration and humour (which I need). For that I am enormously thankful and apologetic for the ongoing and erratic bursts of instability and occasional petulance that results.

If nothing else, I now have an idea of what direct, close, deep grief is like - and it really fucking sucks. But it hurts so much because they mattered and therefore we can choose to frame it as a demonstration to ourselves of quite what we have lost. It doesn’t make it hurt any less but it helps with accepting it and riding it out, instead of trying to contain or ignore it (which I am learning just exacerbates it).

And we must unfortunately accept that this will not be the only time we feel this way. In fact there will be more, different and possibly worse versions of this to come. That thought is both quite terrifying and weirdly life affirming.

I think this has helped somewhat. The writing it down, the getting it out of my head. I can take some comfort in believing that Nana knew she was loved very much and that she was not alone when she passed.

She will always be with me in many ways, as a guiding light and an example of how to be a kind person first (always) and as a warm memory of safety from my childhood. As a smart, funny, articulate crossword solver and as a regular confidante in my adulthood. I know she was so very, very proud of me because she told me. Next year I intend to begin the PhD that I have been thinking about for the last 10 years and I know she would have been thrilled to hear that news. She thought I could do anything. I want to prove her right.

Blink, and you'll miss it.

Right then.

Despite best intentions, I did not manage to blog through 2018.

It is now May (MAY?!) 2019 and here I sit, annoyed with myself for not having utilised blogging as much as I should have, as an outlet and a creative release. So what happened?

Well. Firstly, early in 2018, I had an intriguing experience of censorship occur. It challenged my views on a number of levels, made me rather cross at the time and ultimately clarified some relationships in quite a powerful way. I can now view it as a positive experience overall but it made me slam the brakes on in my writing somewhat. 

What I did about it was to create a whole new place where I can write about the challenges of corporate life without the fear of censorship from any direction. Yes, it requires careful editing and a number of VPNs, but the freedom it provides is worth the effort.

And accordingly, this blog will now remain a space for all other musings and any generic, non-contentious views on my working life.

What else has been happening? Well, I turned 40 in Costa Rica which was memorable and pretty enjoyable. I stopped to breathe it all in and tried not to freak out about it too much. It has affected me in a few ways, not really an existential crisis but definitely a thought provoking and strangely liberating experience which has generated a lot of reflection and a sense of inner calm.

The view from horseback in Costa Rica on my 40th

I went for a new job which is a level higher and a pretty meaty role, I am now Associate Director Online Programs for University of Adelaide and I feel pretty damned proud every time I say it out loud. It is fair to say that I was not expecting (or expected) to get this role - but I fought hard and I got it. That in itself has been a baptism of fire. Despite being in the same organisation, in fact I think because of being in the same University it has been harder to get to grips with, partly because I am still carrying a lot of activity relating to my old role and partly because everyone (including senior leaders) is still processing the change and struggling to acknowledge any difference in my role. This could also be subjective and the result of some cognitive bias on my part because I am suffering somewhat with imposter syndrome (that most evil of sensations).

This year also seems to be the year of the public speaking engagement for me. I wanted to do more of this and so while it is a challenge it is a good one. I submitted papers successfully for two major conferences relating to the online/educational technology space and was successful. On top of that I was asked to be a speaker at another event and accepted - however, in some wholly unhelpful timing the three speaking engagements (all of which involve travel and time away from the office) have fallen between the end of March and this coming week - so pretty much overlapping with the start of the new role. Not ideal but it can't be helped.

I have realised I truly enjoy being the face and voice of my team at these events, even though they tend to be emotionally and physically exhausting -long days, continual networking and tons of prep - but it is all worthwhile when someone says at the end of your session (as they did the week before last) "That was inspiring!" or mentions how innovative what we do in this space is (yes it is!). My one wish is that I was at a point where I could truly concentrate on and engage with these events and not be continually answering emails and phone calls from the office - I think that will settle though, once we are fully up and running with the activity relating to Online Programs. 

So, I am looking at the rest of 2019 with something approaching excitement, mixed with a huge dose of apprehension. I and my team have a lot to achieve but life is in a good spot (save for the results of the Australian election that have just come in - sigh). 

In addition, Stu and I became Australian citizens this year and we have various family members planning visits we can look forward to - 2020 is already filling up with exciting things and I feel intellectually stretched and incredibly proud of where I am in my career - and I have to give a shout out to my wonderful other half for being the most supportive spouse (and excellent Dog Dad) and enabling me to do the long hours, the trips away and generally being too tired to do much at home at the moment. It will settle soon, I am sure, but I feel pretty lucky to have the support I need at home while things are intense.

I will try and blog here more than I have been of late, because it helps with the anxiety and the stress. It seems the trick is to carve time out when I am alone, but there are just so many things to think about that it's tough to prioritise this.

This week I am at THETA conference in Wollongong for Monday-Weds and in the next hour, on a Sunday afternoon, I will head out and stroll down the seafront to register and attend the opening reception. The nice thing is, because it's not a week day, I can fully engage with events without checking for emails every 5 minutes. I intend to breathe deeply along that promenade and remind myself that it's ok to just be me today and enjoy these interactions that I get to have with similarly minded people. 

Until next time....  

A 2017 Review

***note - edited 1/02/18 It is once again the end of the year and my birthday (sigh, 39). I am slightly baffled as to how and why this year in particular went so fast, it literally feels like 10 minutes since the end of 2016. My blog has gone virtually untouched this year and I am determined that 2018 will not go the same way. This has been a bit of an intense year and so busy that I have not had chance to keep up. Must try harder next year as from where I am sitting right now, it does not look like it will be any less busy....

So what happened? Well, mainly, work did. By mid January it was clear that we had, {redacted} a huge, rapid incline ahead of us. I struggled with this on many levels and it is only in the last month or so - when we hit the finish line - that I was able to process and let go of the stress {redacted}.

Basically, my work-life balance was sacrificed this year - but that was not the hard part, the stress and anxiety that delivering this beast caused were awful. Asking my colleagues to commit every ounce of their strength and sanity to obtaining this goal, when we did not have clear sight of, or information on, what the product was, took a huge amount of trust and loyalty - and it is in those elements that I found solace and positive vibes that got me, personally through it.

I think I should park it on the whole 'M Word' for now. I could literally fill a whole book with what this project taught me and taught us as a team. But I do not want to give it the air time. It is done. Let's move on.

On a personal level, there were some achievements and opportunities that were amazing and which almost compensated for the business of most of my working days between February and December. In addition, two of my amazing ex-colleagues (from UniSA and e3) joined us in April and made everything feel like at least we could have fun. I will always be very thankful to both Alex and Dee for taking a punt on our project (and trusting me) and for the fact that they both brought exceptional talent and incredible teamwork skills to us when we needed them most.  

One of the things I am proudest of this year (and in fact in my career to date) is that I got the incredible opportunity to attend Microsoft HQ in Seattle in late February and presented to them and a number of MOOC makers from other institutes (including Harvard, Berkeley, MIT and TU Delft) about what we do and how we do it at Adelaide. I was more nervous ahead of this presentation than I have ever been before - but I did it. It also made me realise after a year in the job at Uni Adelaide that I DO, in fact, know what I am talking about in this field. It was that moment of clarity and reassurance that I needed. I really do intend to stifle the self doubt in 2018 (new year resolution #1) I love working in HE and I started to feel like I had found my people at this point in the year.

Following on from this, I also had a week in September which I think will stick with me for a long time - on the Monday I got the chance to stand in for my manager at lunch with the VC. In the strange world of HE, this is kind of a big deal - and I felt very honoured, as part of a group of 10 colleagues who had contributed to Innovation within the Uni to sit down to a formal lunch in his (massive) office. I even got to chat with the man himself while we ate and he seemed like a genuinely down to earth and approachable man. One downside was that the lunch was a large, fancy piece of sea bass - and anyone that knows me knows I really do not like fish. Somehow I managed to eat the it (swallowing every bite was difficult) whilst smiling and making polite chat. I am SO EFFING BRITISH.

This same week continued in a crazy vane, with Wednesday being the day that all of the colleagues from the Microsoft event (now officially a 'Consortium') arriving at Adelaide for round 2 of our assessment symposium. At some point in Seattle (over dinner, with plentiful wine) my colleague Nick and I had flamboyantly volunteered to host the next leg following an agreement that this should be a 6 monthly event. I don't think we really thought everyone would be willing to fly to Adelaide (though the invite was very much genuine). We were absolutely thrilled when the decision was made.....and then I had to organise the biggest and most esteemed event I had ever even thought about, alongside the crazy MicroMasters delivery which was in full flow at this point.

I have to say, I have a whole new respect for event planners following this experience - but the 3 days went incredibly well and Nick proved an excellent co-pilot while everyone was in town. I was so shattered at the end of that week that I basically slept for 24 hours, straight through Saturday. Interestingly, I presented at the event too - but second time round, I was too preoccupied with the logistics to be nervous and now presenting to this fab group feels like a pleasure and nothing to be nervous about. For me, that personal growth is a real achievement.

The relationships that are developing out of this Symposium have been so amazing and valuable and are now spawning lots of very cool collaborative projects and conversations, the world feels like a very small place these days. Oh, and in the middle of the Adelaide event I was awarded higher duties and a new job title of Partnership and Portfolio Delivery Manager - which I was very pleased with. I have wanted 'partnership' or relationship manager officially in my role for some time as it is the area of my work that I enjoy the most, and thanks to some considerable effort and positioning by my manager it came to be. 

I have been working on another project which took me to Hong Kong for a few days in November and then I got to go to Whistler in early December for the annual EdX Global Forum which was incredible - both for the networking opportunity and the absolutely stunning and very festive scenery. The travel is still feeling like a perk at this point - and it looks like next year will be more of the same. I feel excited by that and already have a trip to California (round 3 of the Symposium) planned for March.

Hong Kong in November

2018 has some amazing personal things going on too. Stu and I plan to apply for our Australian citizenship at some point in the new year and June 28th will be our 15 year wedding anniversary. We also both turn 40 next year so there will be some celebrations planned for that too. As far as other resolutions go, I have been toying with cutting out all meat except chicken/turkey and might well start by reducing everything else. I want to learn to cook tofu properly (so it does not taste like a soggy sponge) and I intend to improve my cake decorating skills.

And Fin. Always Fin. Through 2017 he has grown into a wonderful dog - no longer a puppy - and I am very proud of him. That we can now walk the whole length of the beach with him off the lead and know that he will stay with us and (mostly) behave has been a major achievement, he has also learned to chill out and behave in cafes and cellar doors - which for us means we can take him with us on our social events quite often, Adelaide is a pretty dog friendly place which suits us well. We already have some trips planned for 2018 which we will be doing with Fin too - he is family after all.

Fin looking majestic earlier this year

Stu surprised me mid-year 2017 with a difficult to beat anniversary present which was the trip to Laos we have just returned from. How lucky am I? And so, after we got the crazy MicroMasters across the December 1st finish line I knew I had a break coming. It was just what we needed, some QT together after a year of both being flat out and heaps of seperate travel. It also needs saying that Stu has been the most awesome support while my work life has been insane this year - he has made it easy for me to do all the travel, looked after Fin alone for big chunks and still makes me laugh in the downtime we do get together. For that alone, I know I am incredibly lucky.  

Me in Laos last week

And so, onwards to 2018. Starting tonight, when our Glenelg gang of mates will help celebrate my birthday and see in the new year. It is a bit odd that for the first year of my entire life I have not seen my family in person over the Christmas break, but given we have lived in Australia for nearly 5 years now, it is actually pretty good going. I have missed them all of course, but social media and photos and skype have made it easier. 

Enjoy your new year wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I shall raise a glass to everything 2017 was at midnight and for once be very excited about the year to come. 

Travel Diaries #1 - Vancouver Alone

This is part one of some travel diaries I wrote while in Canada and USA recently and didn't publish at the time...

Today has been one of those days where a poignant combination of jetlag, gratitude and awareness of privilege have rendered me particularly introspective and reflective. 

Firstly, my Sunday has been 35 hours long so far and is starting to feel a tad Groundhog Day-ish. I mean Sunday is a weird old day to start with, even when it is in its usual 24 hour format. I usually treat it with a mixture of derision and passive aggression. A need to "DO SOMETHING" with the day so that I can claim to have had a weekend, tempered with an inherent desire to DO NOTHING and stick the middle finger up to the world. 

Today, I got up at 5am Adelaide time, my amazing husband drove me to the airport, I flew to Brisbane on a Qantas flight which managed to irritate me by not providing a toastie for breakfast (I know, #firstworldproblems and all that but it is mindfuckery when the last 6 Qantas morning flights I have been on all had a toastie and this morning, the offering was FUCKING CORNFLAKES). 

A very disappointing breakfast.

I transferred to the International terminal at Brisbane and boarded a 13 hour flight to Vancouver, which was absolutely chock full and where I had the delightful experience of sitting in an aisle seat with a 6'5" dude in the middle seat who could not help but man-spread into my seat because he was far too tall and wide to stay within the acceptable boundaries of his own. Helpfully he fell asleep within 20 minutes of take off and therefore relaxed further into my space thus rendering any hope of snoozing myself completely untenable. 

I therefore did the only rational thing I could in the circumstances. I selected a wine from the trolley and started watching films. I watched (Oscar nominee) Manchester-By-The-Sea, Bridget Jones' Baby and Deepwater Horizon back to back. All three had me in tears at some point. Also, I can confirm for you right now that the best bit of Bridget Jones' Baby occurs during the opening titles when she mimes to House of Pain 'Jump Around' whilst pissed and in pyjamas and spilling wine everywhere. I experienced a strange sense of attachment to this scene. I also unconsciously found myself miming along with impressive accuracy and I am sure my nearest fellow passengers enjoyed this display of hip hop skillz before I realised and came to an abrupt halt.

Anyway, 13 hours later I was in Canada (ACTUAL CANADIA!) and ready to mingle with Mr Trudeau and his band of singing Mounties. Sadly, they were not in arrivals to meet me and I had to wrangle my suitcase on my own and other annoying shiz because of an annoying lack of amazeballs husband. Between getting off the plane and exiting the airport I checked that I had my passport at least 15 times. Such has it been drilled in to me not to lose the damn thing. 

Bizarrely, when we landed it was 7am. On the same day I had left Australia. I had actually done a Marty McFly and gone back in time. My brain could not deal. This also meant that I was VERY early for check in at my hotel. As my room was still a few hours off being ready I headed over the road to a Tim Horton's (Canadian coffee chain) and got a latte and free wifi #winning 

Vancouver city view

Thank goodness for my kindle, I managed to while away 3 hours before heading back over to see if a room was ready. The team at my hotel had awesomely found me a room on the back of the building and let me have it super early. I was relieved that it overlooks the back because the road out front is very busy, this room is relatively quiet. I fell into bed and slept for 3 hours but managed to then drag myself out to explore.

Wow. The air here is so crisp and cold and clean. Every lungful feels like it is almost burning with purity and it makes me nostalgic for the European winters I grew up with and chilly blue see-your-own-breath days. Vancouver is a pretty stunning city with proper snow capped mountains ringing the city centre. I walked along the edge of the water to a Craft beer place I had read about and just enjoyed the Sunday afternoon pace of the city, people out with their dogs and kids, all wrapped up in many layers. 

Cool beer house in Olympic Village, Vancouver

Beer offerings - so much choice!

There is something quite liberating and empowering about being alone in an unknown city and I am so lucky to get the chance to do this for work. Sure, I miss Stu and would love him to be here and sharing this with me, but being here alone will not stop me getting out and seeing things. 

Years ago I might have felt a bit intimidated by walking into a heaving, vibrant bar on my own and sitting on my own, amusing myself. These days, it actually feels like a rare privilege and opportunity to legitimately people watch and the fact that I am alone bothers me not one jot. I think one of the best things about getting older is feeling far more confident in ones own skin and giving far fewer fucks what anyone thinks. 

Anyway, I passed a wonderful few hours and chatted on and off to a barman and sampled a few ales. All very civilised. Then I wandered back to my hotel and collapsed into the kind of sleep that can only happen when you have been travelling; un-moving, deep and restorative - ready for the crazy schedule I would be on for the next few days.

Happy New Year?

Happy new year one and all.

Wasn’t 2016 just a joy? Actually, I can logically and rationally see that many positive things happened in 2016, including, for me personally, the below:

The birth of my niece Lydia in January.

A new job with University of Adelaide which finally found me happy and sufficiently challenged in my work life in Australia.

An awesome visit by my aunt and uncle in May with much reminiscing and happy time together.

A new car which has finally given us security and freedom to explore the state further.

An AMAZING trip to Africa and Mauritius in August/Sept which took in some incredible safari experiences and concluded with the wedding of my little brother. We met an incredible bunch of people on our G adventures tour and I know that many of them will be friends for life.

This beautiful bunch of awesome people was a highlight. Africa 2016.

Some great QT with my mom in October/Nov when she stayed with us whilst doing a course.

An exciting visit to the NT with my folks and Stu for Christmas which included memories I will treasure for years.

About to fly over Kakadu - utterly wonderful!

So, there you go, on balance some good things really did happen. Sadly, we also had our fair share of sadness and heartache and it felt like the world had lost its collective shit with some of the unbelievable political decisions and global acts of terrorism which also occurred.

I have stalled in blogging about the Africa trip due to us having an unexpected and completely shocking family bereavement which, to be honest, we are still kind of reeling from and which has prevented me from being able to concentrate on much else.

You see, my lovely father-in-law passed away suddenly in early November and it has rocked our world on its axis in a way I never could have predicted. I guess I should be thankful to have got to the age of 37 before experiencing a bereavement like this. Supporting a spouse through the loss of a parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is not something there is any guide book for and the hardest part is not being able to heal their pain in any visible or rapid way. Add to this my closeness to my brother and mother in-law, both fully in the grips of overwhelming loss and shock and pain, and who I also cannot help in any real, tangible way. The helplessness is crippling.

I miss my father in law greatly and am grieving myself too, though I can appreciate I am one level removed from the intensity of the grief for Stu and his mum and brother. I have been part of this family for 18 years this year and he has always been this incredibly kind and warm personality in my life, so welcoming of a “daughter” into his family. He has left a huge hole in our collective lives and I am still finding myself regularly shocked to remember he will not be with us for various family plans and special days. New Year was incredibly hard. I do not feel ready to draw any kind of metaphorical line under last year because that feels like we are drawing a line under him and it feels so wrong. I know it needs time but it breaks my heart on a regular basis and I guess will continue to do so for many months yet. 

I will pick the Africa blog posts back up soon, I just need to get back in the mental head space to be able to do it justice.

Other things on the horizon for 2017 are helping me to think positively but I am considering some CBT for a few things (including the grief) which I can’t seem to process at the moment.

Anyway, Stu has booked a weekend in Moonta for my birthday which includes the beloved pooch and so for now I am just aiming for that, mid-February. I refuse to feel in any way defeated by 2016 because it was just an extreme year and one which included many things I never thought I would have to see or deal with at the age of 37. It taught me a lot. 

The sun is out here in Adelaide, our dog is a constant source of joy and the best therapy is walking him on the beach with the sand between my toes. A book I received for my birthday is called "May you live a life you love" and I intend to do just that this year, more of the good stuff and less of the crappy stuff I feel obliged to do. That, I think, is the extent of my "resolutions" for 2017. 

It's A Family Affair

Families.  

That one word holds so much meaning and emotion for people that it is hardly surprising to find that family units are rarely simple or perfect or describable things. If you know someone who claims to have a ‘perfect’ or ‘simple’ family then you know a liar.

It is often a ‘loaded’ word. One which infers what you should do, how you should behave. I do not like being told what I should do or how I should behave. I like to take the word "family" and fit it around what it means to my life and the people I love. I do not believe in the tribal, Mitchell-esque, loyal-to-the-day-that-I-die and ostracised if I am not, model one iota. I would like to think I am intelligent enough to judge for myself what family means to me and I absolutely will not be made to feel guilty for that.

Platitudes Ahoy

My family is absolutely, 100% dysfunctional. And I bloody love them for it because, guess what folks? It makes them human.

My central family group could be defined as the people who will invariably sit round my mothers table for a Sunday lunch and treat the place like Picadilly Circus, swanning in and out, pillaging for food and tea and begging for trousers to be turned up (or is that just me?) and it consists of my mom, my step-dad, my brother and sister in law, two step sisters plus their partners, my Nana, my step-nan, my nephew and my niece. Oh, and my husband of course, who manages to cope with the eccentricities of us all, so different to his own, quieter and much smaller brood.

Only four of these people are blood related to me but it matters not a jot, I love the bones of all of them. However, I remember when my (then) 7 year old nephew asked me whether I was blood related to one of my step-sisters and it suddenly became a bit tangled. He was at that age where he was seeking to figure out how it all fits together. I didn’t blame him for being confused; our tribe is a bit of an unorthodox jumble to say the least.

It is the one social grouping in life which we do not choose, but inherit. A very close friend of mine always says ‘friends are the family we choose for ourselves’ and I think this is bang on the money. I have written extensively about friendships and how I think they should work in an earlier post and to my mind my friends are indeed the family I choose. Many of them know me much better than the majority of people I share actual DNA with and I value them as highly as members of my family. I would also add that depending on your workplace, colleagues are an additional ‘familial’ group in your life. My team at work spend more time with me than anyone else does and invariably some of them know my day to day life very well.

This applies even more so now that Stu and I live 10,000 miles away from where we grew up. Our Adelaide (and Australia in general) friends have become a massive safety net, a reliable infrastructure and a source of untold support and pleasure since we moved here nearly 4 years ago. 

With our blood relations it stands to reason (as we have no choice in the family group we are born into) that some of these people you would never naturally cross paths with or choose to spend time with. This is normal. Obligations to stay in touch only mean something and work if you actually happen, purely by luck, to genuinely like the person anyway - but this is not a given. 

We understand this dilemma even more now that we live so far away, on two levels; firstly, maintaining relationships is much harder and we sacrifice many hours a week to keeping in touch with people in the UK via Skype. Also, whenever we visit the UK we spend all of our time visiting people and catching up and it feels NOTHING like a holiday (it pisses me off enormously when people suggest that is what a UK trip is). It's brutally honest to say this, but intense catching up in this way often means repeating the same thing over and over again (for us) and as time goes by some friendships just don't weather the distance. Increasingly, our lives are so different and so hard to relate to that conversations can be reduced to platitudes and small talk unless you (and they) make a huge effort. It really does sort the wheat from the chaff whether you want it to or not.

Going back to central family groups though, the ones you are deeply embedded in and (unconditionally?) love - essentially your parents and siblings. You may be given a place within this for free as a child but as an adult, I believe that you earn your place in a family. In the same manner you can also lose it. To keep it healthy you have to nurture it, like any relationship.

This means that when you screw up or let go or lose contact there is generally always a way back, but it takes work on both sides, forgiveness and the ability to move on and stop raking up what happened in the past. Unfortunately some people are simply not equipped to do this. In fact, some people believe holding a grudge is an Olympic sport.

What matters to me is the well-being of my central group. After that I have a lot of time and love for other members of my family and would always do what I can for them if they needed me, although I may not see them or speak to them on a frequent basis. Then there are the members I do not really know but have nothing against and will happily be civil to. Finally there are those that I literally, teeth grittingly tolerate at events where I cannot escape. Now, be honest, you just read that and mentally identified which members of your family fitted which group. That’s fine! That’s normal.

Unless you live in cloud cuckoo land of course where everything is awesome and everybody loves each other and lashings of ginger beer flow freely and people really say ‘golly gosh’. 

Anyway, blood means nothing unless you are lucky and I cannot tell you how lucky I feel to have my step dad in my life. To say he is ‘like a father to me’ is wrong. I already have a dad and he is ace and I love him loads. My step dad gives me a ‘bonus parent’ role, one which is brilliant because you get the best bits from both a best friend and someone you are allowed to ask to fix your car and know they will do it because they love you. My parents divorcing was a blessing, both are now in happy, healthy relationships and I have two ‘bonus’ parent roles, both of whom I love. I was lucky.

My mom is an amazing person in so many ways. She is an amazing role model to me as a woman and the person I always want to run things by in my life. We can quite happily spend hours on skype talking about anything and everything. As I get older I value this more and more. As she gets older I find myself adopting the parent role with her more and more (“you really should stop smoking/go to the doctors about that/stop reading the Daily Mail”), I can amusingly see she does the same with her mother, my beloved Nana. The three of us would often sit and chew the fat when I lived in the UK and I am glad I got to do this. I miss it, living this far from home. This mother-daughter-grand daughter relationship is precious to me but not because we are blood related – that is incidental, but it gives us the basis of a bond which we choose to embrace and enjoy.

Sadly, human nature means that people are not naturally inclined to just get on. Life was not meant to be simple and the Middle East would be a fantastic holiday destination if everybody would just chill the fuck out. Really.

So…..there was a period, a few years ago now, which was difficult in our family for various reasons, mainly due to the aforementioned human nature issue. I spent the whole of 2009 and 2010 feeling like a cornered tiger protecting it’s young in relation to my parents, defending them and trying to repair damage and hurt. I had many difficult conversations with members of the family and it was a tough road for a long time, but we got through it. On the plus side I think we could probably field a family team at the next Olympics for the Holding-a-Grudge relay. This guide suggests sensible solutions to unresolved family conflicts – unfortunately it takes both sides to make a resolution happen and I am thankful that we got there in the end on the headline issue at least. Other issues continue to rumble on which assures me that we are indeed normal.

No human being is perfect. All of us make mistakes, say things we don’t mean, can be downright hurtful to the people we love and occasionally behave like complete and utter imbeciles. I know I have in the past and I am sure I will again at some point. Admitting it is easy when you put it in context, apologising, picking up the pieces, moving on and drawing a line under it is harder. And far more painful. And sometimes needs time. But it is never really a closed door until you make it so.

And I guess this is my point. Families come in many shapes and sizes. Some are pretty conventional, some are not. All will at some point and on some level go through crises. It is highly normal for Auntie X to not be speaking to Cousin Y or some kind of variation of this. You get arseholes, idiots, absolute gems, comedians, good eggs, bad apples, princesses, petty thieves, dictators, diplomats and the perpetually vacant. It is sort of like the most recent (UK) coalition government but closer to home.

How you make it work is entirely down to you. Stressing about it will get you nowhere. Black and white thinking will not help one jot. Holding a grudge is the greatest symptom of the narrow minded and should be avoided. And sharing blood does not determine ranks of importance within your life, nor should it.

Tell the people you love that you love them as often as you can, spend as much time with the people that matter as possible whether they are blood related or not. Tolerate those you have to and avoid the ones that cannot be tolerated and take no regrets to the grave because seriously, people, life is too short.